Wee Ian Blackford today set out to prove – once and for all, and contrary to popular belief – that he does have spunk in his sporran. The perpetually ineffectual SNP Wesminster leader is regularly briefed against by his own MPs: stumble into Parliament’s Sports and Social bar and you’ll hear as much from the permanently encamped Nats, whose trade alone could keep that disreputable joint in a healthy profit. Over sixty-three-and-a-half pints (on you, of course) the yellow peril will confess – in an extremely loud and brash manner – how they miss the savvier Angus Robertson or the tough-gutted obstinance of pro politico and Muscovite spiv Alec Salmond. Blackford is considered a bore and, crucially, a poor speaker. At PMQs, the Tories are in a habit of groaning as soon as he stands up. This lunchtime Ian Blackford chose to devolve that groan to the entire world: every man, woman and child from Aberdeen to Antarctica joined in chorus…
Playing the King of England to this Braveheart was John Bercow the Unready, beleaguered by mounting troubles in his own court. Before PMQs, history’s shortest bully received yet more bad news: another accusation of sexism, this time from a government minister – not so easy to simply discount as “historic”. It was the thought of this latest “stupid woman” which must have surely preoccupied Bercow as he came to the chair, foolishly not realising he was staring down the barrel of his own Bannockburn. Blackford chucked his spear and got Bercow between the eyes:
“I have got no option but to ask that this House now sits in private.”
Horse-voiced, scratching his temples and perhaps a little scared, Bercow bought time for the clerks by engaging in his usual self-centered, weak banter with the braying Tories. Most of all, the Speaker knew this: if he allowed PMQs to be derailed, it would not only give the SNP the publicity they craved (not that he cared much about that) – but it would be presented on prime time as his failure, his failure to keep order, and his failure to keep the political set-piece event of the week on track. It was already a total loss of discipline: Blackford didn’t bother to warn the Speaker, nor did Blackford bow to Bercow’s attempts at both faux-intelligent and then boorish intimidation (he flits between the two in mere seconds). Bercow dug in – he refused to grant a division until the end of the session. Blackford, physically propped up, prodded, and urged on by his firm, simply remained on his feet. Bercow had to cave and give him exactly what he wanted: to be thrown out. But not before he could be heard on the microphone fretting “we’ll have to do the division now”…
There was no real winner from this public order PMQs: but there is one anonymous loser. Our thoughts at this time should be with whoever is going to get it in the neck when Bercow blows his top about it all. It won’t be the SNP – too obvious. Some lowly administrator will get the full force of the diminutive’s damnation – perhaps one of the bewigged clerks. We can all look forward to hearing the revelations on an episode of Newsnight within the year. In the meantime, Jez and Theresa will be somewhat grateful for the interruption, with all the drama easing the pressure off both sides (if only they could manufacture the same sense of spontaneity at PMQs). And as for mass, chaotic walk-outs, it could have been worse – especially for the PM. Time for a DUP stunt next week?
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